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Happosai's life of DOOM: Chapter 2, Rest In Pieces.
by
Rebecca Ann Heineman
Ranma 1/2 and the characters therein are the property of Rumiko Takahashi. Oh! My Goddess characters were created by Fujishima Kosuke.
I don't own these characters. Please don't sue me, kill me or have me submit to the will of the taco-man. I love tacos! I love them good!
Mara was drowning her sorrows in a bar somewhere in the badlands of Niflheim. An area far away from where any sane demon would tread. Here, she could hope to hide from her darkest nightmares, but alas, the gesture would probably be futile in the end. In defeat, her head was laying down in the center of a small table with her face lying in a pool of spilled sake surrounded by dozens of empty shot glasses and ceramic bottles. A demon waiter walked by on its spider legs, picked up the three empty bottles that had fallen onto the floor and shook its lump that passed for a head in disapproval.
A loud ringing in her ears greeted Mara as she awoke from her alcohol induced nap. Her first action upon reaching consciousness was to belch loudly, creating a foul-smelling wind blast that knocked over an adjacent table. She blinked her eyes open and groaned in sheer disappointment. "Uh... I'm still alive."
She held up an empty bottle that once contained a liter of high grade sake and tried to wish it full again. She wasn't successful. "Darn."
The demon girl sat upright, wiping away the sticky sake from her face with an overused napkin she had plucked from a napkin holder an hour ago. "Why? Why him?" She asked to no one in particular. "She's gone insane. She'll doom us all."
Entering the bar, the Norn goddess of the past, Urd, took one whiff of the foul odor the demon had emitted earlier and followed it to its source. As she walked over some unconscious patrons, she held her nose as she moved farther into the establishment. There, in a ramshackle booth, sat Mara, who was quietly attempting to erase her memories though fluid consumption. The demon's blond hair was matted with grime and her leather mini-skirt was dotted with bits of broken glass. The tall dark skinned goddess ran her hand through her long white hair and gave a small chuckle at her nemesis' current predicament. "I thought I'd find you here."
"Narf." Came the reply from the demon who was barely coherent and was hoping to reach non-corporeal drunken bliss. She struggled with a unopened bottle of sake, trying to coax the stopper off.
Urd wanted to sit down in the booth, but the seat cushion was covered with glass shards from a bottle that was used for target practice. She muttered a cleaning spell to wipe away the debris and sat down on the newly spotless seat. She wanted to place her elbows on the table so she could rest her head in her hands in an 'I told you so' manner, but decided against it since touching the strange fluids that were dissolving the table's surface looked like a really bad idea. Instead she sat upright and asked the pathetic looking demon just what was on her mind. "So, why did you call me here? Are you still trying to break up Keiichi and my sister?"
Mara was gnawing on the cork in another attempt to gain access to the blessed beverage within. All she could say with a mouthful of bottle was, "Zort."
"Articulate as always." Urd looked around the bar at the demons, onis and other damned souls populating the place. They each in turn looked back, then went about their business. She smiled at her table mate. "I see you've improved upon the quality of company you keep."
Mara lifted her head with a look of despair and hopelessness. The bottle wouldn't open and she was rapidly becoming sober; a state she desperately wanted to avoid. "Doom... We're all doomed."
"That's the spirit!" Urd reached over and tapped Mara's shoulder in a playful gesture, carefully avoiding touching anything that looked like it would adhere to her hand. "So, how are you going to end the world this time? Nuclear holocaust? Meteor? Flood, although Kami-sama already did that one with Noah."
"NOOOO... It's worse!" Mara put the bottle on the table and moaned holding her hands to her cheeks. She trembled in terror which shook the table, tipping over the bottle. She snatched it before it fell to the floor.
Raising an eyebrow in surprise, Urd crossed her arms while reclining in her seat. "Worse than ending the world? So, what's going on then? Has Hild been taking flower arranging classes?" The goddess of the past giggled at the thought of her demon mother Hild, doing anything remotely good or wholesome.
The leather clad demon grew cold and her tone went dark and foreboding. It sent a chill down the spines of all who heard her words. "You've never seen true horror have you?"
"True horror? Other than the thought of Keiichi hanging around my sister for eternity and never consummating their love, or J. Edgar Hoover in a dress, what could be worse? Tele-marketers with speed dials? A new form of email spam? Or did you find a way to make cell phone plans even more confusing than ever?"
Mara summoned all of her courage to say the most unholy word in any language. "Happosai."
Urd gagged, coughed, shuddered and slid into a boneless heap on the filthy floor in convulsions.
Mara peered under the table to watch Urd make a fool of herself with her spasms. "I see he has the same effect on you too." All around the pair, other female demons were in the same sort of pose on the ground, writhing and twitching at the mere thought of the old pervert.
The half-demon on the floor stopped twitching for a moment, choking out words with great effort. "Y-y-you didn't say H-h-happosai? Did you?" She pulled herself off of the floor. She reached across the table to grab Mara firmly by the shoulders. "DID YOU!?"
Mara just grinned.
Urd eyes went wild and she shook Mara violently. "W-w-what happened? H-he didn't... You know... Kick the bucket? He wasn't supposed to!"
The demonic marks on Mara's face shrank as her eyes grew. "Y-you didn't make a deal with Death too? Did you?"
Urd looked away in embarrassment. "I... Uh.. Well..."
"You too, eh?" A tall female succubus with silver hair, dark skin and vampire fangs spoke. She had heard the name that should not be uttered and came to see why anyone would utter it, so she could kill him.
"You too?" Another demoness came forward, as did another.
Urd released her iron grip on the blond haired demon and sank in her seat at the booth in fright. She took a deep breath, counted to ten in ancient Norse, calmed down and crossed her legs. "Well, at least that pervert won't be leaving Midgard anytime soon. I've pushed his death off until next year. It cost me a promise, but keeping him away from the lower planes was worth it."
A collective sigh of relief came from all the female demons and some of the male ones as well. A voice came from yet another female demon. The short blue skinned creature exhaled gently as her worries subsided. "That's a relief."
Mara sank in her chair, nervously looking around at the patrons who were disbursing. "Urd, could we speak in private?"
Since the subject matter was already disturbing and Mara did call her to talk about something urgent, Urd took Mara by the hand to help her out of her seat. Mara stumbled and staggered but Urd was able to guide her out the door of the bar and into the street. She continued to guide her until they reached a back alley. There, she sat the half-drunk demon on an empty crate and used a simple spell to keep sound limited to just between them. The goddess wiped off the top of another crate, sat down and spoke. "This is about him, isn't it?"
Mara nodded. "Hild... Oh... We're doomed!"
Urd was deathly afraid. Hild was up to something and that never led to good news. If this involved Happosai, it was really bad news at the same level of the coming of the apocalypse, or worse, maybe there was another revision to her cell phone plan. "What's she up too?"
The demon tried hard not to break out in tears. She held it in, but uncharacteristically wailed like a newborn baby just after being swatted on the butt after birth. "She found out about him! She wants to make him a demon! WWWWAAAAAAHHHH!"
Urd gasped in revulsion, then curiosity. "A-a... Wait? You mean that he isn't already?" She thought about her brush with the foul creature, the stalking, the touching... Oh... Not the touching... "Y-you sure he isn't a half-demon?"
The blond demon slumped over as she lost her remaining hope and will to live. "That's the problem. He's a mortal and he has those kind of powers. I don't even want to imagine what he'd be like if he joined us in Niflheim."
"What about Death? I've got a deal with him." Urd held her hands to her hips. "That troll is not checking out of Midgard until next year at least."
"I guess you hadn't been told then." Mara sighed. "Death has canceled all unused execution stays at Hild's direct order. She wants him to expire the next time the System Force deems it so."
Getting hopeful, Urd happily kneeled next to her sometime adversary. "Maybe the System Force will decide that it's best that he stay in Midgard, for oh, say, ten thousand years."
Mara hopelessly whispered. "Tomorrow at 10:15 AM."
Urd blinked in confusion. "Say again?"
Her eyes were empty and lifeless. All hope had been abandoned and despair had moved in to take its place. Mara was a broken woman. "Death already told me the time he's scheduled to leave Midgard. Tomorrow at 10:15 in the morning, Tokyo time."
Urd bowed her head in defeat, then looked up in absolute apathy. "Well, there goes YOUR neighborhood. I'm going back to the temple now. I don't think I'll be visiting Nilfheim anytime in the next millennium, or ever. I hope you understand."
Mara growled.
Kasumi, the eldest of the Tendo sisters and full time surrogate mother, stepped out of the kitchen holding a steaming pot of miso soup. She gently placed it on the supper table and called out to her extended family. "Dinner's ready!"
Instantly, Ranma and his part time Panda father, Genma, appeared at their usual places at the table, chopsticks at the ready. Both combatants stared lighting bolts at each other waiting for either one to make the first move in martial arts dining. Genma eyed the rice steamer while Ranma planned his attack on the soup pot.
Akane rushed down the stairs and sat at her place next to Ranma. She wasn't thrilled that her father insisted that she had to be close to her future husband, even though the whole idea of getting married to him was the pair's parent's idea. She watched the two for a moment as they were grabbing every edible thing on the table and gobbling it down like someone who hadn't eaten in a year. She spoke in an annoyed tone as she carefully reached for the rice scooper, hoping they wouldn't sever her hand for interfering with their meal. "Will you two try to leave some for us!"
Nabiki entered the dining room and slowly kneeled down at her usual place at the dinner table. "Yes, it's rude for guests to eat before the host arrives." She shifted her weight on her pillow at the table until she felt comfortable. She turned to see her father, Soun Tendo, sit at his place for dinner. Nonchalantly, she picked up her chopsticks and reached for a pickled beet. "After all, you're guests here." She gritted her teeth as the other house guest or pest as she thought of him as, bounced into his seat.
Happosai picked up his bowl of soup and drank from it rapidly. Once finished, he slammed the empty bowl on the table. He proclaimed proudly the collected family members. "The host has arrived, namely me."
Ranma raised a fist in defiance, while using his other hand to ward off his father from taking his pickled beets. "Since when were you the host? You freeloading pervert!"
Nabiki whispered quietly for her own amusement. "Pot, kettle, black."
The old leach smirked triumphantly and twirled his pipe with confidence. "Soun owns the place and I'm his master. As my student, he must obey my every command. It's part of his training."
Soun bowed reverently toward his instructor. "Why, yes, oh, kind and gentle master."
The pig-tailed boy chomped down on a beet before his father could snatch it away from him. He deftly stole a lump of rice from Genma's plate and made motions to keep it from being taken back. "Oh, man, I tell you, when I take over the dojo, things will be different around here."
Nabiki sighed at the massive doses of cluelessness that filled the room. She spoke in her no-nonsense tone of voice that she usually reserved for dealings with Kuno. "You'll only get the dojo after you marry Akane." She shot a glance at Happosai. "Then you can ask unwanted occupants to leave."
"Well, I..." Ranma grimaced since he knew exactly what was going to happen next.
Soun stood proud behind Ranma, Genma appeared next to Soun and the two men happily danced around in a circle. "Yes! Ranma will be the official host once they wed."
Soun pointed to Nabiki. "Call the minister. they will be wed at once." He happily had thoughts of Ranma finally ejecting the master from the home once and for all.
Nabiki rolled her eyes. "Okay, Daddy." She put her hand in her pocket to get her cell phone, having no intention to actually place the call. Past experience dictated exactly the night's activities down to the second. She accelerated the speed she ate her food before tonight's entertainment began. Like usual, she was going to sit back and enjoy the ride.
Akane was shoved closer to Ranma by her father. She pushed back. "No way am I marrying that jerk!"
Ranma shoved the rice ball he took from his father into his mouth, swallowing it quickly and then delivered his standard response. "As if?! Who'd want to marry a sexless uncute tomboy like you?"
"Tomboy! Why I outta..." She pulled out a mallet from somewhere and smashed Ranma over the head with it, leaving him with his head shoved in a soup bowl and his hands sticking up with warding gestures.
Soun sobbed as only a grown man could, with gallons of tears gushing out. Kasumi made a mental note that the little bonsai tree near the dinner table won't need to be watered for a week. Soun grabbed Ranma's shirt and openly wept into it. "Ranma! Why do you treat your fiancee like that?"
Genma gave the look of righteousness at his flattened son. A look honed from a decade of practice in the fine art of intimidation. "Boy! How can you call yourself a man when you can't even defend yourself from a blow from a girl?"
Ranma recovered from the mallet attack at that insult and stood face to face with his father. "Call myself a man? Why don't you marry her instead and leave me out of this?"
Genma smirked in retaliation. "You're the only bachelor in our family."
Ranma yelled back. "I ain't marrying nobody!"
Happosai finished his second cup of soup while the shouting match was going on. He watched the argument with great interest. Hearing the discussion, he found an opening that had to be exploited. "Akane! I've got a better solution. Marry me instead! I'll join the houses and take over the dojo!"
He jumped to glomp Akane but the young Tendo girl was ready for him. She swung her weapon down and the business end of her mallet connected with the old man, smashing him into the center of the table and the impact sent food flying in every direction.
Akane screamed at the center of the maelstrom. "Get away from me, you pervert!"
Nabiki had already finished her soup. She sat quietly as table fragments, salt shakers, napkins and foodstuffs whizzed by her in rapid succession. She waited until there was no more debris flying by, got up and ignored the growing chaos. "I've had enough fun for the evening. I'll be upstairs, doing my homework." She left without a further word and contemplated just how much money it was going to cost this time to fix the dining room.
Kasumi pulled out a hand towel from under her apron. She wiped up some of the soup from the walls. She hummed a happy tune. "They're so full of energy."
With food going in every direction, years of starvation training kicked in. Ranma reached into the air, grabbed a flying rice ball and stuffed it into his mouth. He punched at his father's stomach but missed when Genma dodged. Genma grabbed a bowl of soup before it hit the floor and slurped it down in one gulp. "You're getting slow, boy!"
Ranma ducked to avoid a kick and delivered a kick in return to his dad's ribs. The fat man flew out the back door and into the yard. Ranma paused to grab the last two flying rice balls from the air and followed Genma to finish the argument.
Akane pulled her mallet from the ruined table to find that the crater in the center of the room was empty. She looked from side to side trying to find the squashed old man. "Where did he go?"
Happosai popped out of the hollowed out mallet from a secret hatch just like a cartoon character. "Hiya cutie! Let's say we go up to your room and consummate our love?"
Akane reflexively hurled the mallet through the window, sending it and the unholy occupant outside. The mallet stopped when it shattered on the stone compound wall. Happosai appeared on the windowsill to taunt his bride-to-be. "C'mon Akane, is that how you treat your betrothed?"
Akane turned red with fury. She clenched her fists and spat out her words hatefully. "B-b-et... You sick, disgusting creature! I'll never have anything to do with you even if you're the last man on Earth!"
Happosai thought about it for a moment. "So, you're saying the wedding's off?"
"It was never on to begin with!!!" The short haired tomboy was shaking her fist in rage. She looked around the room for a suitable weapon to impale the old man with.
Soun groveled. "Master, Akane is to wed Ranma. Maybe you should consider another suitable candidate: The woman you took care of when you were an octopus pot perhaps?"
Akane threw a chair at Happosai, who vanished before it could connect with his skull. "I'm not marrying anybody!"
A loud splash was heard outside, shortly followed by a second one. A female voice yelled in anger. "Serves you right, Pops!"
A panda's voice answered. "Growlf!"
More blows could be heard as the two continued their fighting among the koi. Happosai rubbed his hands together in glee from his perch in a small tree. Now that Ranma was in the form Happosai preferred, he had lost all interest in Akane. "Ranma-chan! How I've missed you!" He waited patiently for an opportunity to present itself to let him to cop a feel on the red-head.
Inside, Kasumi placed a hand on Akane's shoulder, instantly calming the young girl down. The elder girl knew exactly how to diffuse a situation and this time was no different. "Sister, could you help me fix the table?"
Akane sighed and nodded. She effortlessly lifted the table halves while Kasumi placed small blocks of wood under it to hold it up. It was a temporary solution; the table was on its last legs, literally. Kasumi checked her handiwork for stability and sadly told her sister the news. "This will have to do until I can get a replacement, tomorrow." She looked at her younger sister with motherly disapproval. "You have to learn to control yourself."
The young Tendo melted at her elder sister's words. "I'm sorry. He just makes me so mad." Both women shuddered as something large and heavy was shattered in the backyard. They didn't bother to look to see if anyone was hurt since it was an all too common sound from the Tendo backyard. Akane slowly took a few steps toward the doorway and watched the fighting outside with melancholy. Nothing ever changed around her home and she wondered if it ever would.
Outside, the fracas continued. Ranko upped the ante by lobbing boulders at her panda father. The bear returned the favor by swinging bamboo poles like a bo staff, batting the giant rocks as if they were playing a lethal form of baseball. Happosai stood in the shadows, saw an opening and hopped onto Ranko to savor the texture of her soft supple perfect feminine breasts. She flinched at the touch and grabbed him by the neck and threw the tiny leach at Genma who batted him into the sky. Happosai gave a goofy grin as he receded into the night. "It was worth it! Woo hoo!"
Akane gaze followed the little man as he went flying into the air and she saw something that caught her eye. She squinted to get a better look at what she thought she saw. There, standing on the roof of the dojo, was a silhouette of a man. The unknown figure worn a black cloak that billowed in an unseen wind and held a scythe over his shoulder. He placed a pale white finger under his neck to signal that someone's throat was to be cut. She blinked her eyes to try to get a better look, but the figure was gone.
The Tendo girl wondered if what she saw was real. "Weird." She looked down from the roof to see a panda and a girl wresting on the ground, hands on each other's throats. She had seen enough and turned away from the door. "Hmm... Maybe, not so weird."
In an ornate palace, a pair of demon guards stood at attention. The two men had the appearance of soldiers who lived and loved life in the armed services special forces. One was a burly man with biceps that looked like he could win a body-building contest with them alone. The other man had a look of someone who had witnessed far too many wars but was ready to fight in another one.
Both men held giant axes and stood guard at the entrance of their mistress' bedroom. Despite their years of training and battle, they sweated and trembled from the laughter that they had the unwanted privilege to listen too. The strongman grumbled. "What's she up to now?"
The grizzled one answered. "Do you really want to know?"
Another cackle came from the room sending chills down their spines. The musclebound warrior looked at the dark wood doors for a moment and then looked ahead at the corridor in front of him, trying to focus his mind on anything else but what was going on behind the door. "No, not really."
The older demon was proud that his junior partner had wisdom. "Good, the last guy who peeked in there ran screaming. I never did find out what happened to him."
The younger man cocked an eyebrow in reply. Curiosity started to gnaw at him, but another laugh quelled his interest to look inside the Pandora's box that the bedroom represented.
Inside the huge lavishly decorated sleeping chamber, the white-haired, dark-skinned, tall, beautiful leader of the underworld was getting excited at the prospect of a new demon at her beck and call. She lay down on her silk covered bed reading the complete file on Happosai's life.
She was careful not to tear the ancient parchments. Page after page of horrible acts of thievery, perversion, lechery and other evil deeds were read and re-read with great delight.
"Where have you been all my life?" She turned another yellowed page. "Such delightful evil." She turned another page. "So decadent." She turned to the last page that included the evening's attempted fondling of Akane and Ranko. She read the appendix and found an interesting footnote. "And he's still a virgin."
She was going to have a good time with this twisted soul. She gave a demonic laugh filled with malice and darkness.
It sounded just like Kodachi Kuno.
Miss Hinako Ninomiya, the pint-size chi-vampire thanks to yet another one of Happosai's schemes to collect female undergarments, wrote three sentences on the blackboard for the current lesson. "Now, as you can see, phonetics mean very little in English. Take the word knife for example..."
Outside the window of the classroom came the shouts of angry women followed by a gleeful laugh from a familiar old man. She took a peek at the clock on the wall to note the time. "It's too early for this. Doesn't he usually wait until after lunch?" She pulled out her fifty yen coin in preparation for punishing old decrepit perverted delinquents. She ran out of the classroom toward the stairway in an attempt to intercept her instructor in the Happo Fifty-Yen Satsu.
Ranma took the more direct approach. The instant his teacher ran out the door, he jumped, feet first, out of the third story window to the ground below. He paused for a moment to track his quarry. The old man had changed tactics today. Instead of hanging around school grounds, he had already bounded over the wall into the cityscape. The pig-tailed boy picked out a direction to cut him off and darted skyward, roof hopping first onto the school wall then onto a building across the street.
Happosai bounced from roof to roof with yet another laundry bag filled with his priceless collectibles. "Heh, I've recovered what's rightfully mine. Too bad those suckers thought that they could keep my silky darlings away from me."
Ranma was in hot pursuit. He jumped onto the roof just behind the running pervert. "Hey! Where ya going ya old lech? Bring those back!"
Happosai loved a challenge and once Ranma appeared in his life, it was full of challenges. Stealing underwear was far more fun when Ranma joined in the chase. He taunted his adversary by sticking his tongue out. "Can't an old man have a little fun in his golden years?"
Ranma glanced behind at the entry gate of Furinkan High. There, a small group of girls swung open the barrier and ran into the street to pursue the old man. "I don't think they'd agree with you."
"They've got so much to share. They wouldn't deny a dying man his last request. Woo hoo!" He jumped across a wide street to the roof on the other side.
He was impressed with Happosai's jumping ability. Not bad for a man who constantly complained that he was at death's door knocking loudly. "Yeah, you're dying alright." Ranma sprinted fast and furious to close the gap between him and the old goat. In moments, he had caught up to him and he lunged forward to grab the gnome by the shoulders. Instead, he found a tobacco pipe shoved into his hand and the pig-tailed martial artist was propelled into the air against his will.
Happosai stood his ground and shook his head in disappointment. "So reckless are the young. They have much to learn before they can attain true enlightenment." Happosai felt a cold chill in his spine. A chill he knew quite well. He cocked his head around and leered at the figure standing behind him. He sneered at his old acquaintance. "Hey, long time no see. It's been what? Ten hours since the last time you came for me?"
Death stood on the roof next to Happosai, robes flowing in the wind. "Sorry to say, this time it's for real."
Happosai took a defensive stance. "You can try. You've never beaten me before and this time isn't any different."
"It's your time." The figure disappeared and a tiny hourglass remained. The sands appeared to only have a minute left before it would run out .
"Hey!" Happosai looked around for where Death had vanished off to. He focused his senses to see if he could find him by other means. He was aware of everything around himself and felt nothing. Finally, he detected motion and found that his efforts were not in vain as the old man barely dodged a well-placed foot that would have knocked him off the roof.
Ranma did a forward flip with his momentum and tried again to land on the little gnome. Happosai dodged again. Ranma did a spin kick that didn't connect either. "Dying ol' man eh? You're pretty fast for someone who says he's dyin'. Give that stuff back!"
"Make me!" The shriveled pervert raised a battle aura making a giant image of himself. "Behold the mighty power of the 'Anything Goes School of Martial Arts'!"
"Yeah, right!" Ignoring the image, Ranma jumped forward and pushed the little man off the roof and onto the street below. Without warning, a firecracker exploded in Ranma's face blinding him for a moment. As he fell, the little man enjoyed his moment of triumph. "Ha ha! Got you!"
The wind from the fall had an unexpected side effect. Happosai's bag burst open and the contents spilled out in a cloud of silk, satin, lycra and cotton. "My darlings!" He snatched a few panties from the air and shoved them back into the bag, only to inadvertently spill even more of the precious cargo. He landed on the pavement, made a needle and thread appear, and quickly mended the bag to keep any more of his stolen goods from escaping.
A horn blared as a large truck barreled down on the road at high speed. Happosai had the bad luck of landing on the only highway containing high speed traffic within a kilometer of the high school. He judged the truck's height to be enough to just duck under, so he didn't see the inherent danger of staying on the road with ten tons of steel fast approaching. He saw three bras fluttering in the wind generated from the other cars and moved to gather the underwear to place them back into the safety of his black laundry bag.
The driver opened his eyes wide in shock. He slammed on the brakes and gritted his teeth hoping he'd be able to stop in time to avoid crushing the old man on the highway. Happosai only had milliseconds to duck.
And duck he did. Contorting his body like a limbo dancer, he pressed himself down on the pavement as the tractor whizzed harmlessly above him. He smiled as a bra that had somehow got stuck under the truck came within arm's reach. He plucked it off the drive shaft as it flew overhead and quickly stashed his goody with all the others he had safe in his bag. As the trailer passed overhead, Death clung onto a spare tire that was mounted on the undercarriage. Having the time of his afterlife, with practiced ease from an eternity of collecting souls, his icy cold hand touched Happosai's forehead as he was distracted by the bra he was rescuing. "Gotcha at last! No one escapes Death!" Death laughed as the trailer continued moving, flaming tires screeching, slowing the truck to a halt. Mission accomplished, the skeletal man faded away.
"Fool! You didn't do anything!" Cursed the old man as the truck finally came to stop with the rear wheels of the trailer directly overhead. Tangled up in the axles were several more bras and panties. "Sweeto!" Cried out Happosai as he jumped up and quickly saved these silky darlings from a horrible fate. As he was about to grab the last bra, a loud pop was heard as one of the tires holding up the trailer exploded. Instead of jumping to safety, Happosai lunged forward and grabbed the last article of female clothing just as all the remaining tires popped in unison.
The trailer fell. Happosai tried to jump out of the way, but a bra strap got caught in a piece of protruding steel. The delay cost him as several tons of trailer and cargo landed on him, covering the area with smoke and flame from the burning tires.
Ranma recovered from being stunned from the firecracker and arrived at the edge of the roof, rubbing the smoke from his eyes to see what was the source of the loud screech below. On the road, a tractor trailer rig was skidding to a halt and cars were swerving to avoid hitting it. Ranma sullenly moaned about this new twist to the chase. "I hope that ol' freak didn't somehow blame this on me."
The smoke from the burning tires cleared for a moment and Ranma saw Happosai's body roll out from under the rear trailer. The little man was covered with soot and tire marks, but otherwise looked unharmed. "Serves you right, you ol' freak."
As Ranma prepared to deliver a good pounding on the unnatural thing, he got into position to jump down when a Toyota Camry came out of nowhere. The driver had swerved to avoid hitting the stopped truck and was losing control as she over-steered. Her car spun out and it swung back and clipped the fuel tank under the side of the tractor, spilling fuel on the road. A moment later, the car came to a stop. Seeing the fuel puddle under the truck, the truck's driver wasted no time in running away from his vehicle. "Get back!" He screamed to the growing crowd of onlookers.
Ranma gasped. "Oh no!" Without any thought for his own safety, the boy jumped down to the Toyota. The screams of a hysterical woman, having a panic attack in her car, brought Ranma into rescue mode. She was wildly waving her arms around, totally incoherent from the trauma of the spin out. He leapt over the hood of the car and yanked the door open. He gently cautioned the woman as he did a quick check to see if she was injured. "Let me get you out of here."
His martial arts senses screamed to him that he didn't have much time. He touched a pressure point to get her to stop struggling and unbuckled her seat belt. He lifted the medium height Japanese woman out of her car and ran off.
Everything exploded from the diesel fuel that had spilled from the ruptured gas tank, sending a ball of flame across several lanes. Ranma shielded the woman with his own body to keep her from being burned.
All around the pair, cars were stopped and some people were assisting the driver of the truck. They too, ran for cover as the Toyota also exploded into a flaming fireball. Ranma jumped away from the busy street, over the fence that separated the road from the pedestrian walkway and gently laid the woman down.
Ranma turned around to see the fire die down. He remembered that Happosai had been dealt worst blows than this. "Okay, ol' man, where did you go this time?".
Rising from the pyre, like a phoenix, was a blackened old man. Happosai, emerged from the flames with only singed hair and smoking clothes as evidence of injury. He was openly weeping. In his hands, he held the crispy remains of a bra. "You did this to me!"
Ranma smirked and called back to the evil creature. "You deserved it old man!"
"My darlings! My collection... Uhhh...." He clutched his chest in agony. At that very moment, the hourglass on the roof of the nearby building ran out of sand. "My... My..." He reached into the air to grab a flaming bra that fluttered to the ground. He held it as if it was the source to life itself. He petted it lovingly for a few seconds before shuddering again. "My precious." He fell face forward onto the asphalt. With that, the trailer tipped over and burst, spilling hundreds of cases of pantyhose all over the little man, giving him a fitting burial.
A passerby watched the old man fall and then turned to Ranma. "Aren't you going to help him?"
Ranma shrugged at the massive pile of female underwear. "Why? Knowing him, he's probably in heaven."
A clock at a nearby bank read, 10:15.
Author's Notes: Please review my story. It makes me feel oh so happy and maybe, just maybe, I'll kill off Happosai for good.
Last edited on Sunday, June 24, 2007